Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
