bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
