I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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