This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize