I wish I could teleport
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
