If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
