dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I need to calm my uterus...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize