You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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