You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
