mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize