I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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