a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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