I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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