I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
