I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize