I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
