Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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