i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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