none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
