you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
