Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
this just has baby written all over it
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There are leaves in my underwear?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
