I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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