i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
