I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
