I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
bring money and cleavage
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
