I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
