The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize