i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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