As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
