Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
