I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
