i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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