it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
