Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize