MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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