i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
