Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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