3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
