I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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