I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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