you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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