i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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