I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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