I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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