she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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