Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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