I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
