one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize