Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
