Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
