Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
