Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
