Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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