wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
