i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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