Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
