I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
