she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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