Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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