not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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