my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
